Saturday, 18 February 2012

Really Miss Dancing...

merangkai aroma postif agar dapat melingkupi dengan selimut yang cerah hingga senyum terkembang tanpa paksaan...
membentangkan tangan..menikmati aliran udara, indahnya awan dan semilirnya hujan rintik...aaah, ingin menari...
 bunyi dentang drum itu menghentak-hentakkan elokan kaki tangan
betapa rianganya lagu itu mengajak bergoyang
ah, bukan..bukan goyang biasa..menginginkan lebih...
sebuah tarian...gerakan makna sarat emosi dan ekspresi
melegakan, membuat candu tubuh..
memabukan, menarik lebur, tak ingin berhenti...
sangat ketergantungan...

my Bolero Today

merenggangkan jari-jari, melenturkan untuk menggapai..
menyapu halus udara yang mengalir disekitar sela-sela dan menarik kedalam
menghempas untuk menghirup, memejam dengan tersenyum menikmati
memanggil tepian angin dengan lambaian gemulai...mulai tarian pembuka

leher melemaskan kepala, mengiyakan hati mengikuti tubuh
heart, mind and soul bersatu meresapi sentuhan lambat hembusan dengan urat syaraf
merindu tegangan setiap batas pergelangan menghidupkan ekspresi
melihat aliran energi dari ujung-ujung memasuki dan berganti dalam pusat jiwa
mata memberi salam pada pemilik pandangan seluruh penjuru
mengatupkan, menghaturkan, menerima...beradaptasi

membentangkan, menengadah, berpeluk...menyapa
perlahan...merendah untuk mengobservasi
bertahap...merata dalam rangkulan, bersedekap...
ah, bolero muncul bersama gelombang kegamangan
irama dikalungkan pada nada-nada yang beritme sendu
untuk menetapkan tempo abtrak tanpa aturan
berantakan namun tetap dalam garis keanggunan status
berpencar tetapi masih di jalur konsep diri
melegakan kekuan, menegaskan kelembutan

bolero berbisik dalam modern tanpa menghilangkan kesan klasik
menggapai detik impian, mengolah aura 
melebur dalam pacuan mood ekstrim, jatuh bangun...
inti berat berputar pada kelenturan pinggul, kepala dan lirikan bola mata
benar-benar memancarkan kekuatan untuk melempar dan berteriak kencang
guna menampar perih, menghalau logika
hanya ingin memanjakan emosi
membulatkan kebutuhan hari ini
dalam pendalaman bolero

Monday, 13 February 2012

Sensing of sensitiveness...?

what i am do always have a consideration..
not just a wild desire or stupid thing...
i try to be adult, always thinking consequence and balance
what is the true and false, what is good or bad for other people or society
not for myself..nothing egoist in me if i talking about 'it'
but back then...
i call this my 'childish' ..coz always make my child tantrum turn on
i know this is a bad habit, very bad and wrong...in my opinion as my 'character'
but, cant help..often doing the same mistake..coz i can not forgive myself
my story about this is secret, a big secret of my darkness side..
for 5-6 years, i practice my sense for other
coz 8 years ago, i realized my life is bout me, and only me..
i shocked..in a big shoot i frozen and cant stop blame myself..
how could be i dunno everything around me
am i really that blind and deaf?
i managed and change myself slowly in difficult time
and i found my self concept alone...
but..then..i called all my old memories and comparing with the other
my bad, my fault..so many thing i said to myself, i have a big dialogue and...mad alone
yeah, that's wrong..
but thanks God, i'm not going to the wrong path..
and now, my bad me is...i often thinking too much before act...
i try understand, sympathy and empathy
i did well these times...

and suddenly, hear about cant sense something?
nope..sorry, wrong..i really understand about that...
really know what i have to do..
but yes, my fault i cant do it well...
because i cant control myself..yes, back to myself again..this is my fault...
i can be a honest person about myself...
i always said, this is my black side...
i just do something egoistic
because i need it...and my fault i cant say it well

perhaps i'm cold bu not that stupid...
i try to build myself
i work hard for my life
always take a deep breath about myself
coz i always repress alone if talking about 'it'
and i know this is my sin..
i cant solve this problem at all..
just cant...i dunno how..

#hearing...pain-silent.
command...force-do it as duty
blank about many thing
please dont touch me, i cant receive any attachment...
coz my tears comes easily
just work hard to living in my life...
finding a happiness...as my definition of happiness

Sorry...sorry...sorry...
thank you...thank you..thank you....

heart beat today...

年取るのが不安になる。このまま時間が過ぎるのがこわくなる。どんどん会えなくなった日が増えて来る。もっとわかい時との自分と離れるのがイヤだ。そゆ事を考えってる俺がイヤで、、一番キライなのは気持ちが離れるかも知れないって言う不安感だ。
As i grow older, I feel increasingly uneasy. It scares me that time just slips by like this. the times where (we) can’t meet are increasing. i don’t want to grow further apart from my younger self/when i was young. i detest myself for thinking of all these. but what I hate most, is the uneasy feeling thinking of whether (our/my/?) hearts are growing apart.
何言ってんのか分かんないけど…いろいろと複雑な気分だな…今日は。ただ息を吸う事だけで"人生を生きてる"とは言いたくない。頑張らないと。頑張らなきゃ。
I don’t know what i’m saying right now… today… all sorts of complex feelings… I don’t want to be saying “i’m alive” just because I’m still breathing. Do not work hard. I have to work hard. 
Kim Jae Joong twitter today

just read them in a few minutes, and realize it..same with my situation, my mood and my mind..
translating by google tranlate, i know what's that mean. i dunno why, just smile and of course, as soon as possible i retweet again his words...and feeling like "Wow, amazing, he  really know what his feeling is and wroite it in a good sentence..."
not like me, just confuseing alone, and fly away by his music...
D.A.E.B.A.K!!!
i'm falling in love with his personality again!

Sunday, 12 February 2012

...Dalam Sendiri...

ketika ingin menangis..
melodi itu menuntunku dalam kesendirian..
menitikan air mata berkomunikasi dalam diri
ketika ingin menyalahkan orang lain
tempo melomba mengingatkan
bahwa semua terjadi karena stimulus dan respon ku yang salah
ketika ingin merenung menyalahkan diri
nada-nada itu membawaku untuk melupakan sejenak
melepaskan rasa sakit dari tusukan kata-kata sendiri
ketika menjauh dari rasa sakit
memarahi status emosi
tersadar bahwa peran itu harus kulalui, kuselesaikan dan kuakui
berucap syukur bahwa....
irama-irama mendukung tarian yang belakangan ini melambat dan termenung..
tak berpola tak serentak tak kompak
karena aku menutup mata

sekarang aku membiarkan diriku larut dalam kegilaan
memabukkan dan candu yang membuatku bisa terpacu
hanya tidak ingin berpikir
tidak mau berdebat
tidak ingin mengadu
karena putaran not-not sedang berantakan
seperti musik klasik yang hanya membuatku marah tanpa sebab
seperti dendang dangdut yang sangat membuatku mengeluh berkerut
this is not me
i cant hear it anymore
just leave me alone
here..with my melody and harmony...


...Sweet Black...

#kala malam hening, rupa mendung menanti pelukan bisikan rindu yang terpendam. Tak bergerak, menerawang meraba mengibas bias-bias. Tertawan.

Hitam pekat menelan..
Topeng hilang buta
Rata memaki sama memuji
Dosa kebaikan memaku merantai buyar
Meniti himpitan tak melepas ikatan
ah ah hitam ini mematikan syaraf, menakutkan

istirahat sejenak..menghela nafas
tangas mengipas kembali..meraih putus asa
berpasrah maju meluputkan kegelapan
memecahkan jeda keheningan mencekat
mengendurkan tekanan melemaskan kekakuan
dan hitam terlihat begitu manis...

mengira kelam kusam adalah teredam dalam
kaku bergerak terkekang kendali yang tak tampak
namun ternyata itu hanyalah pergulatan dalam bayangan
menarik, tak terlihat namun berpengaruh kuat
perdebatan dalam sugesti memangsa waktu lama
dan pergantian tak terasa menjadi pengalaman penuh goretan
terluka. perih. tersayat. berdarah. berurai air mata. sesak.
kiasan berlebihan atau impian yang terlalu indah
memupuki hitam dalam lautan mengapung tak peduli
tetapi sekali lagi, hitam itu memaniskan..menetralkan..

menengahi pikiran yang selalu menari mengejek logika
mengasihani tubuh yang sering terlupa saat bersedekap dalam peran
memaafkan hati yang selalu memihak pihak yang manja
melukiskan warna indah yang menerangkan emosi
menuturkan, m.a.n.u.s.i.a

#lambat laun tarian akan melambat dan butuh poin berhenti, mengisi kembali energi. Dan gerakan akan kembali menemui irama yang mudah merubah, dipengaruhi dan mempengaruhi. menstabilkan hentakan hanya membutuhkan stimulus yang merangkum esensi diri..





Wednesday, 8 February 2012

Moody...ottoke...

jumping..shouting..sick
sitting...bubbling...nervous
boxing..kicking..destroy something
silent..doing nothing..crazy
listening music..calm, but can't stop moving around
reading, don't have any new book or comic now
chitchat..wanna, but now can't do it..
drawing..dunno what i wanna draw..
writing by hand..blank, cant think anymore
smiling..unfortunately my eye and lip shivering, hold by lie

hard to say, but really need alone..
only with God
take a deep conversation again
as like drinking ocha and sushi..
comfortable and enjoying the moment
don't care if it's a difficult time or not
but mind, heart and soul calm, pure of happiness..
keep wise, logic but warmth emotion, full of compromising

# sometimes it's killing inside coz have emotion as a human, but still..this is really showed that we are human..feel all absurd and complex in life...struggle and keep strong, up and down...yes, I'm a human...this is me, this is us...

Under My Skin...

mungkin terlihat santai, dingin dan tidak peduli
mungkin diluar jutek, tanpa ekspresi
mungkin tampilan berubah-ubah, diam, cerewet dan aneh
tetapi dalam memiliki kehangatan dan kesepian
hati penuh perhitungan dan penuh kasih
begitu mengerti prioritas dan tanggung jawab
logika dan kemandirian menjadikan tangguh mengambil keputusan
membagi diri dalam berbagai lingkungan dan keadaan
saat sendiri, bersama orang terdekat dan lainnya berdasarkan peran

terkadang kecanggungan melingkupi
tak jarang pula keseganan menyelimuti
ketakutan dan malu-malu muncul dalam diam
namun semakin kemari kalem..
orang menyebutnya dewasa dan tenang

but..suddenly...often many random question
what is growing adult?
without child expression again?
without emotion like angry, upset , dejected, disappointed , be afraid ?
always wise, comfort every situation, calm, decided as family or society expected ?

being alone, being ME, being I..easy for self to enjoy and reach a happiness...
but still... easier be happy when together..with closer people is well..
music, reading comic, dance, drawing never fail make a smile
with close friends..chitchat, sightseeing on holiday, traveling, culinary, go to movie, never fail bring a joyness
but nowadays, rather difficult..being grow up...demand from society, family and environment increase

under my skin...keep fighting for my dream..
change to better future but keep the old treasure
friends, moment, attachment, improving to a deep relation..
not just a memory and forget how's to be..

#i never like this before...but still amaze about my emotion and expression..i can let my pure smile out.. :)
"The many moments where things keep piling on you. At that moment, you feel like you’re going to break, those times you become short of breath to the point of wanting to die.. If you look back, when those moments that were so short-lived come back to you again.. What should the me of the present moment do?"
-Kim Jaejoong-

My world won’t exist if there is no you. You may not know about me, but I still keep thinking of you. it sounds a bit like a stalker... It’s like this… a person doesn’t even know a thing about another person, but this other person somehow feels strength and encouragement just for the fact that the person does exist. So this song tries to express an appreciation for the existence of someone to other people.
-Kim JaeJoong-
Under my skin...dreamer on file
never stop believing and keep self concept stand up...
hold a deep breath, spelling a magic formula..
trust and pray...have a big suggestion for make a power of confidence


Sunday, 5 February 2012

Broken Heart

honestly...
i'm falling in love..
for the first time..when i hear your song..
honestly...
this is out of my control...
admiring someone like you..
unique person and very different personality i ever knew
i'm sorry..i'm detail and observer type..
and my bad, i have a big curiosity when i get excited
never care and always accept about the other, without myself..
but..if there is including me...this is very difficult situation
my hypothesis and prediction about something always with a evidence
always trying logic..although my emotion often win

but this time..for the first time..
my emotion lose..my heart is broken
this is not your fault i know..
this is my fault..pure mine..
cause my bad habit of wanna know more about you
for 2-3 days..i was sick...nervous so much..
what should i do..?
i choose you to be my power of my life
a big dilemma..i want you and i really need you right now
i can't let you go, i cant stand without you this times

cant help..i have do something to solve this problem
couse..the starter is from myself..my mind..my bad..
repeat from the beginning what the reason is..
i love you because there is you
i love you as you, no one else..
and i decided (for myself-egoistic)...i always love and support you
as long as you alive, happy and singing together..

at last..i surrender..i really love you
i wanna see you
i wanna talk a deep conversation with you
as a secret admirer
as a friend
as a human


#it's a miracle..you are a amazing man and human who ever God created...and always thankful that i know you till now...love you 재중


....Kembali bertanya...

salahku bila aku egois..
salahku tidak bisa menjalankan peranku di dunia dengan baik secara norma umum
salahku saat aku tidak bisa asertif dan inisiatif pada banyak hal
salahku ketika aku malu dan takut melakukan dan bertindak pada saat yang mungkin seharusnya
salahku tanpa berucap menginginkan sesuatu yang tidak dibutuhkan logika manusia lain
salahku menjadi diriku yang disebutkan berbeda dan aneh
hingga aku bertanya..
siapakah aku?
benarkah ada aku dalam tubuh ini?
atau bisikan dan suara berdebat ini hanyalah titik tak tentu?

sungguh merasa kesulitan mengendalikan jiwa manusia ini
pergolakan Id-Ego-Superego seperti teori klasik Freud tidak pernah seimbang
mencari manusia lain sebagai pelarian tidak semudah itu
berulang kali dirasakan :
"orang lain takkan bisa mengerti apa yang kita rasakan tanpa mengalami penderitaan yang sama,tapi walau mengerti, tetap tak bisa saling memahami"   _Pain-Naruto_
tetapi menjadi satu dengan badan pun tidaklah gampang
namun ada kalanya 'merasa' bisa bersama..
ada pula waktunya bisa tak terpisah dan merasa menjadi diri sendiri
bida sikatakan adalah ketika bersama teman terdekat..dengan tipe sepertiku..
maka itu tidak akan banyak...
dan bila sudah sangat dekat..mudah sekali menjadi nyaman...

"When you already know so much about yourself and when you have already spent so much time with people around you, the lies that you both can tell each other disappear.”-Kim JaeJoong-
Ah..jujur lagi..pertanyaan itu timbul tenggelam..
perputaran dentang yang mengkiaskan ini adalah seringnya "kegalauan"
maka ya..mungkin ketika dunia ini juga galau akan waktunya..
dan sering terlupa akan nafas ini alami akan menghilang..
Tuhan bersama manusia yang mengingatNya..
oh Tuhan..tenangkan aku agar pertanyaan gila itu tidak pernah membayangi kembali...
menggoyahkan dan merapuhkan..

"There are things people can’t accept, even if they do understand them." -Athrun Zala_Gundam Seed Destiny-

What i am trying to say...?

Big Or small problem is depend on you,how u think and feel it..and everyone always different :)
U never understand other people correctly-except, u really have a similar experience-it's not that simple too, coz everyone always different
 I just falling in love with u..i want you to be my power of life
I think: Love always unpredictable...come...and leave...

music never fail to keep my mood--stable

honestly..it's a difficult to be patient person..God, ottoke.. T_T

Never have a deep talk...so it's difficult to start...

nobody is prefect, so dont be too proud of yourself..keep down to earth guys..
#biar aku menjadi yg pertama menamengi dan merasakan semua kesulitan, untuk mempermudah org2 yg kusayang dan menjadi sandaran mereka 

All above, is random thing in my minde...really...for just a few second, that sentence out of control and i'm typing it on twitter...lately i cant manage my mind and emotion..cant say, cant act and cant think normally...
i know why and i cant change it at all...this situation really complicated for me..
so... my reason never mention it aloud is for my life and stability of emotion..hmm..what can i say, this is a dilemma..
 ok, till now, i really dunno what i am tying to say and write here..but i know, i NEED writing..but my heart just can't find the right words, the right color of my poem this weeks..many days ago, i tried hard for typing my blog, but i just opened and closed it again...
slowly, wait for tomorrow or the next day..i hope i can show up all of my black emotion...too much repressing myself lately..coz i rare meet my friend and have a chit chat..
my escapee just JYJ,their music..so really really tense me up...
a.l.o.n.e
hope everything in me always better in the next second of my life 
hope God always hug me like this, now and forever
hope my dream comes true then...