How Childish this Girl

coz..
playing with a bubble and screaming out laughing without think
running around and bring a puppy doll cheerfully
flying and keep dreaming on her small world
happy to see a rainbow and shouting all her mind
talkative and expressive one
wanna have more and more attention
self centered alone
smiling for auto focused on her
feeling, admiring and prising her a lot
dunno how big the real world is
walking in a special path
always helped by other hand
and how stupid is, she never realized it at all

and then when time growing her up
she is just the same like before
even she "think" she changed a lot
in the real just the body not inside her
the big changed is, she hate pink right now
hate this cos its a little girl symbol in her opinion
poor girl...
she is just like she, herself

she 'still'...
have a brat side and a damn annoying behavior
lack and thirsty of love
stuck in that stage of development is sick
she have a different frame of herself till now
she thought that she went go far away but in the end..in same place

how can be...
in human life never care bout other people around her
as a insane always egoistic and not know what the other feel
too late and that personality is formed
and now she is trapped on her form
...childish...
so not easy be adult and mature...

she murmur..how struggle she can be right now..
she mumbling..how her real power is to face of her own life
she doubting...how strong her mental is...
...speechless...
what the definition if mature, life, emotion, adult, human are.....

A Person is...

and you never understand how yourself solve ur problem alone
many self defense mechanism used
many emotion changed
many expression adapted
attitude formed by experience in mind, heart and behavior
past...present...future...
internal...external...
sensing by looking, listening, observing...

"nobody is prefect"
but thanks God, create a "prefect" one
a strong body so a person can handle all pain, sick, sad, angry, scared
keep it down and calm..
feel  what the human being is..
think logic and how to be mature
choose wisely and get what the balance is

good or bad...
black or white...
true or false...
sometimes all of that is absurd..
always different and never become one
like human...have similarity each other
but, have different is a must...
always comparing between or among

a person is...insane
have their own forceful personality
bring mask and their own persona
get a misery just by a little bad habit
stubborn and get ill alone...

please be healthy soul..
please be happy spirit...
please be alive..take a deep breath

#addicted with our own harmony life
how to enjoy--receiving love
how to comfort---sharing love
how to pleasant---love and forvgive

I'm not suitable yet for receive love right now

Why?
coz i cant love myself like before
i know this is sick
first i lost of my confidence and give a damn impact on my self esteem
and then now i lost of my self concept and i cant forgive myself
i called it- my deep SIN

i have to rewrite all my stuff in my heart, mind and soul..
and then reform the new baby..
it's like a bad dream but it's a reality

i think this black energy have to transfer into a big activities
and then i'll forget it for a moment
that's perhaps will be useful for some reasons
think how good this darkness..
it's sublimation---how to change our energy to a positive thing...
let me try, and we will see then...

LUCKY me..God still in my mind
and i'm not going crazy easily..
right now, i'm only saying:
I cant Surrender...I cant Give it up...
I have to move on, even just body...
when the times come, i hope God show me the best things in myself
and then may be i can forget it all and love myself once again

Guilty....Just found a reason why I am like this..Coz my Past

IF looked back...
why i have a choice like that
a little child know how to make herself comfort and support her so much
choose a really comfort zone, full of attached and close feeling
that's a stupid choice and have a big effect NOW
never think, never feel i have to be here

this path and difficult phase

i sorry to say it to myself...
but, regret it when i have to realize just right now
how blind i am, i cant see myself well
when other people just see and cant touch me
they watched me till now, have their perception
and how shocked is...
their thought very far away from my expectation bout myself
i cant forgive myself bout that..
i cant..not yet..
why i am that bad? why i am so different person..
i'm in body, behavior and personality in people's frame like that
i know i have a late development in my life...
but, the worst is i cant identified myself anymore...
just like lost of my self concept

i wanna say:
God cant i wash my brain and please teach me once more to be a better person like i want..
not like this, i hate myself more and more
coz many thins happened in my mind, heart and soul..and i cant change easily

i hate i cant do what i wanna do
i dislike this spoiler brat in my personality
i hate this weakness

am i really live in my delusional world till now?
where is my reality one?
i'm disgusting myself right now...
God, How to forgive and change myself? stronger and more mature?

# Memaafkan diri sendiri untuk segala masa lalu yang telah membentuk diri yang sekarang...
bagaimana mencintai diri sendiri yang seperti ini? mengapa ketidakpuasan justru kepada apa yang ada di dalam diri? menjelekan diri sendiri sebegitu dalamnya?

Mind in Doubt

Exhausted...
Sadness...
Worried...
Angry...
Frightened...
Anxiousness...
Guilty...
Blank...
Feel Inferior...
Wild....
Craziness..
Mad...
.........................Dark-in Negative aura 

when i'm alone

# lukisan senja itu mengingatkanku

seperti melihat kalender yang membuatku terbelalak

bahwa prasyarat itu harus segera dilaporkan

jika tidak, maka peliklah jiwaku

kecemasan akan merasuki lebih dalam tanpa ampun

bahkan mungkin getah rasa bersalah ikut melekat pekat

exhausted for something unsure and absurd
i lost all my confidence, almost all..
lack of expression as human being

God give me a chance to meet those feeling
a positive one and i feel alive again
it's so warm and cheerful
my stable face little by little stretched up
it's really worth for me
at least my heart, mind and soul have something
may be this is weird, just a dream..
or perhaps i create my own delusional world
but when lonely or depression comes...
i can bear without soar it

because all of people around me always said about...how to be mature are..
wise, silence, think carefully, no body language movement which is indicated by look at gesture..
i'll be stronger in silence...wacthing..wise in logical and think carefully, more carefully bout everything

life is not about me but how to make other people happy

and keep on the right way..at God's way

Honestly...Right now...

when i read my old diary...
relized, my story is about anxiety, worried, and darkness of myself..
afraid about many things around me...
but still focused to myself, i never know that's really egoistic and childish
never think bout other people in my life..
my dream is only bout happiness in life, bout my life...
often mention bout how struggle i am
but actually i'm not really into it..

so amazing to other people who have reached a success
what is success this time?
what i mean is bout how healthy, life style, rich and give many things to their family
they can managed to to what they like to share what they love
give many power to other people

how fool i am..
i'm really nothing..
and u know, i'm doing it again..
where is my spirit of life?
jealous of them..
my half self told me i can do it just move on
but my other half only said "just do it with ur heart and u will see what the result is"
always have debated in my mind
hated to feel as human, honestly..too much i have to do, too much i hava to think
but once again and again..this is life..
and i'm a human...
up and down back to reality..JUST DO IT MAX and then GOD will show His best gift

sometimes i tired being adult
i always try change, but no one appreciate me
am i really nothing in this world God?
or just a stupid human that i can not see the real love around me?
i know U my lovely God love me, because i am here right now..
U give me many times a chance to be useful to other people
i hope i am right about it, i hope iam really useful to other people
not just a life meat body
always sensitive about how to show my expression about my feeling
just dunno how..once again i think i can make other people happy by by ahcievement
when i got money, rich,  just like they want from me
i think this is the best thing for them all..
and even i'm no body i hope they will smiling in their life...

God, sometimes i scared being myself
too much i cant say..sorry for writing like this..
this is my loneliness and stage of little depression
i know..i cant hide it..
i am sorry God..i am sorry and thank you..You always be my side..
i know it..i really feeling it..
and once again looking back..
so many sin in my past..
i hope i can be a better person in Ur way..
and then have a little place in heaven
even i dont understand so many things about this and that world
and bout You and my Prince Muhammad SAW..
i really just holding muself, depend on Ur side..
no one can be...

sorry..i'm sorry...i'm sorry..
for everything..
i know may be this is nothing worth, i must not crying
but my tears just come out and cant stop for a moment

Never Stop think about Kim Jae Joong

 and this is my chocolate for him..this is the real chocolate...
when i eat chocolate in my room, how crazy i am..think bout it, and TA--DAAA..here it is...i sent away via twitter..hehehee

 this is my favorite photo of him....
his smile on pillow, like sleep..i dislike cute, but dunno why, i love the way he is...so cute, like a pure child, and i want to take care of him, till he's sleep deeply...

 he is a icon NII with as JYJ with Kim Junsu and Park Yoochun..
love NII style for him..
always handsome, masculine, but know how keep his cuteness...
unfortunately, NII only in Korea..and if there is here..i think, it will be so expensive :D
so many photo of him, in NII..thanks to all tumblr, wordpress and everything is youtube..love to see his smile, his laugh and all his expression...

 Love His tatto..i dunno why, this is really his identity..his soul' words..
but, still....poor his skin.. T_T
but i rather understand bout influence of tatto for someone..and i like his tatto "Junsu, Micky, and his date birth" on bottom.. :)
*wanna see it? just see his ELLE movie*

for my Birthday My dearest Kiky give me a surprised...
i love her gift so much.. Hehehe..smiling and always remember JaeJoong...
arigatou Kikiaaaaah




My Side Project now:: make a sweater, hand made (yes, my hand..and still learning--level beginner)  hehehe

Berbincang Kecil Jiwa

--Hati&Pikiran--Memaksa Tubuh Bergerak Ke Arah Seharusnya...

berulang kali alasan menghibur daan menunda
berkali-kali pula ada saja yang membuat tertahan untuk ke langkah selanjutnya
tetapi sekarang itu semua sudah habis..
sudah terlalu lama..sudah banyak yang terlewati
penantian sampai titik puncak
melompati jurang ini atau sengaja membangun tembok semu?
ketakutan dalam kebodohan yang tersia atau berani sakit untuk senyuman orang lain?
aneh memang saat ternyata tiba-tiba saat ini haluan keinginan berlabung pada tempat yang berbeda
awan mimpi berhembus ke arah yang abtrak
dimana banyak orang menganggap tidak rasional
bahkan itu hanyalah nafsu egois
dipikir dengan logika, diakui itu adalah benar
itu kemauan terpendam, menghantam tiba-tiba..dalam
bangkit begitu saja hanya sentuhan ringan senyum
dan sekali lagi, kecerobohan dalam melenggangkan kemalasan sedemikan rupa
memalukan titik syaraf berbelit simpul ketidakpedulian
ah..benar..mengapa harus takut?
jika manusia lain bisa dengan mudahnya, mengapa AKU tidak bisa?

tidak bodoh hanya saja terlalu manja
majulah..ini tidak akan sakit, hanya perih sedikit sebagai bumbu hidup
tidak sepedih itu, tinggal disentil maka rasa itu akan berganti dengan rasa baru
mungkin sesak itu akan berubah menjadi senyum meringankan bahu
dengan cepat berlari mencengkram pegangan pada mimpi yang telah terbentuk


pernah berujar:
benci memiliki keinginan yang tidak bisa diwujudkan
bila sudah ingin, mau maka percaya saja ada jalan kesana
nanti Tuhan akan menuntun..dan nanti dibuka pintu-pintu indah
saat langkah-langkah ini disertai Percaya-Kerja Keras bersimbah keringat-Doa
rendah hati......sering keangkungan menggelitik otak ini
padahal manusia ini bukan siapa-siapa..
hanya manusia...ringkih...



mantraku:
aku bisa...
aku mampu..
aku percaya...
Allah selalu ada menjagaku..tersenyum selalu...
Tuhan selalu memberikan yang aku butuhkan, yang terbaik

bismillah..bisa semakin dekat dengan Allah, keluarga dan impian

Sometimes so Easy to Talk than to Act

I'm not a spontaneous person, always think before act and talk..my bad,too much thinking actually...

My body ask something,coz my mind&heart really nervous now... i'm searching what the answer is..

Every moment is a chance,every second is precious to share & do everything to reach dreams,every breath is a life...God,i know U always understanding everything in me,but still-- i always say everything to U every second-thankyou so much U always listening

many times, always repeated about to do what i have to...

"i can..i can...this is a process...i have to pass it like other people...all people can do that easily, why i can not?"

often i asked myself, to be strong..strong and control of my emotion and expression...

to be adult is not easy..many things to think, to do in many environment and in different society...

every time are growing and adapting...

when the time is come...time for challenge myself, have a big battle every a crisis time..about what i said, what i wanted, what i dreamed....after a big war one year ago (for a great 2011) i have to move on...and how to create a new me, to a new world, need a big first step...but it's not easy as i say...
before i run away for catch my dream, build my dream, i have to get out from this comfort zone..even my body crying demand of silence and stuck or enjoy it...i must walk away...this is so irritating me...this is annoy me so much...

the bad thing is-times never wait me for recovery..it just smile and go..tick tock tick tock...
it's like say:
"this is life, u can wait..every second is important for future..every breath is a basic stone of ur dream"

i hate this feeling..but this is a life process...

4 March 2012

Happy B*day to Mee ^^v
yes, this is a new year of my life..
first of all..i wanna thanks to my lovely God..He is the best!!! always be my side, always understand how i feel, i think, i want, i need...And know how to make me learn, change, stay strong, always happy be myself, love and hug me...everything i made-happened as a good experience..good stimulus, so i can learn more of my reaction...even sin never stop in my head as a bad mind or a behavior..Allah is the best thing in my life..
and the best gift from Him, so many, too much, and sometimes i dont remember it in detail...
like healthy, have a good family, many good friends, enough-not too rich and not poor..everything is good..always better from the other...and when my mood or my motivation down..He give me a good support...from the other side...i'm so lucky, i can live and learn many things

God, thanks a lot...
and i know, i talk too much every day to you, coz my head cant stop think about everything...and i write it now..i find my new spirit and dream...my self confidence is back now, even not a big like before, i know..but this is a good point in my life...i hold my dream till comes true..this is moving me up with a good response in my emotion....i know this is little weird for other people, but this is my stand point back..to get my dream...my life, my future..even i dunno how..i'll do the best...God, please always be my side like usual...