I'm not suitable yet for receive love right now

Why?
coz i cant love myself like before
i know this is sick
first i lost of my confidence and give a damn impact on my self esteem
and then now i lost of my self concept and i cant forgive myself
i called it- my deep SIN

i have to rewrite all my stuff in my heart, mind and soul..
and then reform the new baby..
it's like a bad dream but it's a reality

i think this black energy have to transfer into a big activities
and then i'll forget it for a moment
that's perhaps will be useful for some reasons
think how good this darkness..
it's sublimation---how to change our energy to a positive thing...
let me try, and we will see then...

LUCKY me..God still in my mind
and i'm not going crazy easily..
right now, i'm only saying:
I cant Surrender...I cant Give it up...
I have to move on, even just body...
when the times come, i hope God show me the best things in myself
and then may be i can forget it all and love myself once again