Honestly...Right now...

when i read my old diary...
relized, my story is about anxiety, worried, and darkness of myself..
afraid about many things around me...
but still focused to myself, i never know that's really egoistic and childish
never think bout other people in my life..
my dream is only bout happiness in life, bout my life...
often mention bout how struggle i am
but actually i'm not really into it..

so amazing to other people who have reached a success
what is success this time?
what i mean is bout how healthy, life style, rich and give many things to their family
they can managed to to what they like to share what they love
give many power to other people

how fool i am..
i'm really nothing..
and u know, i'm doing it again..
where is my spirit of life?
jealous of them..
my half self told me i can do it just move on
but my other half only said "just do it with ur heart and u will see what the result is"
always have debated in my mind
hated to feel as human, honestly..too much i have to do, too much i hava to think
but once again and again..this is life..
and i'm a human...
up and down back to reality..JUST DO IT MAX and then GOD will show His best gift

sometimes i tired being adult
i always try change, but no one appreciate me
am i really nothing in this world God?
or just a stupid human that i can not see the real love around me?
i know U my lovely God love me, because i am here right now..
U give me many times a chance to be useful to other people
i hope i am right about it, i hope iam really useful to other people
not just a life meat body
always sensitive about how to show my expression about my feeling
just dunno how..once again i think i can make other people happy by by ahcievement
when i got money, rich,  just like they want from me
i think this is the best thing for them all..
and even i'm no body i hope they will smiling in their life...

God, sometimes i scared being myself
too much i cant say..sorry for writing like this..
this is my loneliness and stage of little depression
i know..i cant hide it..
i am sorry God..i am sorry and thank you..You always be my side..
i know it..i really feeling it..
and once again looking back..
so many sin in my past..
i hope i can be a better person in Ur way..
and then have a little place in heaven
even i dont understand so many things about this and that world
and bout You and my Prince Muhammad SAW..
i really just holding muself, depend on Ur side..
no one can be...

sorry..i'm sorry...i'm sorry..
for everything..
i know may be this is nothing worth, i must not crying
but my tears just come out and cant stop for a moment